Tales from the Darkside (1990)

John Harrison’s Tales from the Darkside (1990) was one of my favorite horror films as a child because of the way the story is set up.  In this film, there is what is called a wraparound story, which is about a witch (Debbie Harry) who is preparing to cook a little boy named Timmy (Mathew Lawrence) for a dinner party.  She has him chained in her kitchen and has been feeding him cookies to try and fatten him up.  She must be somewhat kindhearted for a witch, though, as she gives Timmy a book to read.  In order to stall his impending death, Timmy begins to read these tales to her as she prepares the stuffing and preheats the oven. Very appropriate to the season, yes?  Anywho, Timmy tells three stories from the book:  “Lot 249,” “Cat from Hell,” and “Lover’s Vow,” each with its own set of actors, scenery, and plot.

Out of the three tales told, “Lot 249” is probably my favorite.  About a guy named Edward Bellingham (Steve Buscemi), and his college peer Andy (Christian Slater).  I won’t name everyone in each piece because that would take up entirely too much time.  Anyway Andy’s sister frames Bellingham so he gets screwed out of a summer scholarship, so he orders a mummy.  The mummy also comes with a scroll that enables Bellingham to control it, so Bellingham naturally exacts revenge against Andy’s sister and her jerk of a boyfriend.  All in all it had a great cast and even a few moments that were legitimately gory.  The second tale, “Cat from Hell,” is about a man named Drogan (William Hickey) who cannot get rid of this cat that keeps killing the people that live with him.  Drogan believes the cat has come from hell to seek revenge against him because his pharmaceutical company killed over 5,000 cats by testing their products on them.  Drogan hires a hit man, Halston (David Johansen) to take on the evil beast.  On a side note, Drogan’s sister Carolyn must have been a partier because when she dies, viewers can see a hookah sitting next to her bed.  All in all this was a great story too, and the final scenes with the cat are pretty rad.  Finally, “Lover’s Vow” is a story about failing artist Preston (James Remar) who watches a gargoyle murder a bartender one night.  The gargoyle offers his life in exchange for a vow of silence.  Immediately after the vow, Preston runs into a beautiful woman and his life begins to change.  After ten years of marriage to Carola, and two children, Preston breaks his vow and all hell breaks loose. 

All of these tales are worth watching, even though the wraparound story has somewhat of a hokey finale.  The cast is full of good actors and actresses, and the score is decent as well.  I also like that there’s essentially four stories happening in the film, it gives it a refreshing twist that sets it apart from other films from that year.  In efforts to consolidate, I added all the killers and such together for my tallies.  Number of killers?  Seven.  Body count?  11.  Boob count?  One.  Cheap thrills?  Three.  Actual spooks endured?  Six.  Raven’s Scream Meter says:  3.5 out of 5 Screams.  Definitely worth a watch, as there are some good performances and nice gore scenes.    

Exorcismus (2010)

            Manual Carballo’s Exorcismus (2010) is a somewhat predictable attempt at a possession film, though it is a personal belief of mine that no possession film will ever top the Exorcist.  But I digress.  The story follows a young girl named Emma (portrayed by Sophie Vavasseur) as she slowly becomes possessed by the devil and her following exorcism. Vavasseur was an interesting choice for the lead; she seems realistic and even likeable until the actual possession scenes.  In almost all of the possession scenes, Vavasseur falls flat, seeming more cheesy than believable.  There weren’t really many deaths in the film, basically just Emma’s little brother and two others, none of which were very innovative (or gory).  Thankfully, the plot itself wasn’t a complete disaster.  I enjoyed the fact that the priest actually gave this girl a way to invoke the devil, so that he could capture the devil on film (thus proving its existence, thus more followers of the faith).  The concept was interesting and made the priest seem just as diabolical as the demon that held Emma’s body captive, and made the girl’s ability to conjure such a creature more believable.

            The ritual that Emma does to invoke the devil is actually the bloodiest/goriest scene in the entire film, and that is all self-inflicted and doesn’t even come close to killing her.  Instead, she cuts open the palm of her hand and uses the blood to draw symbols on the bathroom floor that summon the devil.  When Emma sees herself in demon form, in reality it should be the coolest and/or creepiest part of the film, but for some reason (perhaps the CGI) these parts just wound up looking and feeling cheap.  The cinematography was interesting – the shots selected were good, but the camera holder was shaky with the equipment so the entire film feels very low budget.  Perhaps a tripod or something of that nature would have helped.  The music wasn’t memorable in either a good or bad way, so I figure that’s a plus because at least it wasn’t terrible.  The exorcism itself was interesting, though I’d have to say that yet again it was not the most original concerning how the possessed should act and think.

            I’d really like for there to someday be a possession film that even compares with the Exorcist, but this one is definitely not even close.  If you like possession/haunting type stories though, you might get a kick out of this one if you can get past the shaky camera and green acting.  One would never think that this film had a million dollar budget and grossed over three million dollars worldwide.  Those statistics actually stunned me, with the overall low-budget quality the film has.  Number of killers?  Two if you count the suicide.  Body count?  2 or 3, it is never restated that the kid (her cousin?) who is involved in the car wreck is dead or just unconscious.  Boob count?  Zero.  Cheap thrills?  Zero.  Actual spooks endured?  Zero.  Entertainment?  Somewhat.  Raven’s Scream Meter says:  1 out of 5 Screams.  Only worth a watch if you have a couple of hours to kill and really, really, really have a passion for possession films that seem rather uninspired and have more dialogue than action. 

           

Dark House (2009)

            Darin Scott’s “Dark House” (2009) actually surprised the hell out of me as one of the better horror films I got to check out this year.  The story begins with your typical childhood prank of going into the ‘haunted’ or ‘creepy house,’ but the normal aspects of this film end there.  Immediately upon entering the house, the little girl stumbles across a massacre.  Children’s bodies lay scattered around the house in pools of blood, and just when you think that has to be the last one, two more pop up on screen.  Basically, any movie that begins with seven dead and one in the midst of suicide, I sit up and pay attention.  This directing/writing team knew exactly how to capture their audience.  Of course, what else would one expect from Fangoria. 

            After the initial bloodbath, the audience gets a slight break from the horror to get to know the characters.  Meghan Ory’s character Claire is now in college, and apparently has been struggling since the day the massacre went down to put the images of all the dead children behind her.  Her therapist keeps telling her to go back to the scene of the crime so she can overcome her fear, but she has yet to have the courage to actually enter the old house.  Suddenly, a weird old guy winds up inviting her entire acting class to partake as actors for his new attraction – a haunted house inside the residence where the crimes occurred.  Claire, seeing an opportunity to enter the house without fear, persuades the others to take the opportunity.  When the group enters the house and takes the tour, they find one of the coolest haunted houses (technologically speaking) that money can buy.  The attractions are very realistic because they are holograms, and these holograms are stationed all over the house.  Oh…and they are triggered both by fear and excitement.  Wicked.

            So the weird old guy has a couple of guests come to the Dark House to participate in it’s initial run through of thrills and chills, and here is where things get wacky.  Apparently Ms. Darrode (portrayed excellently by Diane Salinger), the old woman who ran the children’s home in the house, well…her spirit remained there for the last decade and a half, and she was just waiting for Claire to come back so she could take her out and go to heaven (she wasn’t just insane, she was also fanatical about religion).  I am proud to say that what follows are perhaps not the most ingenious killings in a horror film ever – but there are plenty of killings and they are all done well.  I guess I’d say if there was one thing I truly didn’t notice much in the film, it was the soundtrack.  But there was so much blood that if the soundtrack was bad, the blood makes up for it.  My favorite line?  When discussing Claire being bat shit crazy, a cop says she: “Developed more bugs than Windows Vista.”  Haha!  Number of killers?  Technically, one.  If you count the holograms, there’s over seven.  Body count?  21.  Boob count?  Zero.  Cheap thrills?  Two.  Actual spooks endured?  Three.  Entertainment?  Fuckin a!  Raven’s Scream Meter says: 4 out of 5 Screams.  Definitely worth a watch – particularly if you like either lots of blood or haunted house tales.  Oh, and one of the characters isn’t who you think they are, leaving you with a surprise ending.  That I’ll keep a surprise.   

           

Dark Shadows (2012)

            I’ve been a fan of the television show Dark Shadows for a long time now, so I was curious to see how it would be translated to the silver screen via Burton and Depp.  Generally speaking, when it comes to either this particular director OR actor, I know the movie will at least be interesting (if not completely rad).  The previews had me slightly worried because the show itself was supposed to be serious, and spooky – and the previews for this theatrical version seemed to portray a humorous side, which was something the original show had not incorporated.  But I tend to like the way Depp portrays pretty much any character, and his portrayal of Barnabas Collins didn’t fall short.  He did an excellent job of being vampyric, yet still retaining a sense of human whimsy, which no Barnabas actor has managed to accomplish so far. 

            Michelle Pfeiffer was excellent as always, as was Helena Bonham Carter.  Eva Green, however, looked like a pale crack whore throughout the film and her acting didn’t do anything to help balance that out.  Actually that was a major flaw I saw in the design of this film.  Though I understand Burton likes the gothic look, everyone in the movie is so astonishingly pale that when Barnabas becomes a vampire, he is very nearly indistinguishable as such.  Just a little blush to the cheeks of the other characters would have been a nice touch.  The soundtrack, however, makes up for the makeup flaw – it is an excellent soundtrack for the film bursting with a ton of great music from the 70s.  I noticed I liked the music selection right away, and there wasn’t a song in the film’s entirety that I didn’t like.

            I found quite a bit of the film to differ from the television show.  Sometimes, in surprising and fun ways.  The fireplace with the wolves that move was a wonderful touch, and was uniquely Burton in style.  In the television series, Angelique is still trapped in the 1700s, not bleached blonde and wreaking havoc on the Maine coast, circa now.  I thought that was a little much, though I must admit it helped move the plot along more quickly.  It was also a surprise to me that Carolyn is a werewolf, I wasn’t expecting that.  There seemed to be a lot more witchcraft and several more ghosties in the television show, but like I said earlier the show took itself much more seriously.  Some of the sillier moments, however, lacked originality and fell flat to me.  When Barnabas encounters the road, it reminded me quite a lot of Hocus Pocus.  And his little comments about the television have also been done before.  The best line from the movie and something that caught me as superiorly original was Barnabas’ comment about the lava lamp: “It looks like a pulsating blood urn.”  Ha!  Beautiful.

              My final criticism of the film is when Barnabas sires Victoria.  The character had bitten and killed around ten or so filler characters along the way, and none of them became a vampire. Victoria would have to drink Barnabas’ blood prior to her death in order for the ‘transfusion’ or ‘turn’ to happen.  Instead, Barnabas jumps off the cliff, catches her mid-air, and drinks from her and somehow without the aid of his blood she magically becomes a vampire.  I expected more from Burton in this particular moment, to be honest.  Number of killers?  Three, if you count the suicide.  Body count?  Somewhere around 20.  Groups get slaughtered a couple times during the course of the film.  Boob count?  Zero.  Cheap thrills?  Zero.  Actual creeps given?  None, this is much more of a dark comedy – think Young Frankenstein.  Entertainment?  Of course.  You can’t really go wrong with Burton and Depp.  Raven’s Scream Meter says:  3.5 out of 5 screams, it’s funny and dark but not nearly gory (or creepy) enough for my taste.    

The Final (2010)

            Anthony DiBlasi’s The Final (2010) intrigued me because…well ok, mostly it intrigued me because it was in the “Gory Horror Films” section of Netflix.  But it was also about revenge, and I am a sucker for a good horror film where the jerks get their just desserts.  The movie begins by helping the audience out with a big serving of sympathy for the characters that are getting picked on in high school for being weird or different from the popular kids.  You know the drill, the nerds get picked on and eventually they can’t take it anymore and they snap.  Though there are several characters involved for viewers to become invested in, I feel strongly that the movie took entirely too much time with this and didn’t get involved in the real action until quite late in the film.  There could have been much more time allowed for gore over sentimentality, especially when some of the gore was pretty inventive in this film. 

            I loved the idea that these kids didn’t want to kill their tormentors; they wanted to scar and disfigure them so that tormentor would become tormented.  Savagely brilliant, conceptually speaking.  At first, I thought that when the mutilation started that the girls weren’t going to have it as bad as the guys – they seemed to keep picking on the guys at first.  But the first girl they picked wound up getting her face smeared with a compound that would burn away her flesh.  That’s pretty awesome.  The nerds also have fun with two of their captives, telling both that if one of them cuts off all ten fingers from the other’s hand, that person will be spared.  Neither could complete the task, but man was it fun to watch them try.  The acting in the film isn’t exceptional, but it isn’t terrible either.  I particularly enjoyed Marc Donato’s performance as Dane, and Whitney Hoy as Bridget.  Both characters felt the most round and relatable, at least in my opinion.

            I also remember thinking to myself that the script itself wasn’t written half-bad, some of the lines in the movie were almost profound (for a horror movie, that is).  There just seemed to be a little more of it than was needed (talking where there could be more blood).  The gore was done well, my favorite of all probably being the bear trap.  I was surprised that there wasn’t more actual killing going on in the film, but it was a refreshing change to see there was a lesson to be learned.  The first and final scenes repeat each other also, which was a nice touch to reiterate what The Final was all about.  Number of killers?  Four, technically.  Number of torturers?  Five.  Body Count?  Six or seven.  Boob count?  Zero.  Cheap thrills?  Zero.  Actual creeps given?  Two or three.  Entertainment?  For sure.  Raven’s Scream Meter says:  2.5 out of 5 Screams.  Think of Revenge of the Nerds, only much more horrifying.  Win.    

The Fog (1980)

            I flipped on John Carpenter’s The Fog (1980) because of a recommendation from a friend earlier this year, and I wasn’t disappointed.  Centered on a small California coastal town called Antonio Bay that is being terrorized by murderous ghosts that come out of the fog, the movie is chilling and yet simultaneously memorizing.  The cinematography is simple yet effective, and there are plenty of awesome shots of thick fog curling around doorways and on the coast.  The shots of the ghosts in the fog were particularly eerie, and the ginormous hooks being used as murder weapons was ingenious, and added to the gruesomeness of their intentions.  Though there aren’t too many death scenes in the film, it still managed to keep my attention with its awesome concept and wicked cinematography.

            I felt like a wide-eyed kid myself as the old mariner leans in to tell the ghost story to the children in the opening scene.  It was a great way to begin such a tale, and instantly grabbed my attention and helped me to relax into the world of the story.  The Fog almost seems to be ahead of it’s time conceptually, as very few other straight-up ghost stories were being produced during this time.  The poltergeist activity that occurs throughout the film was also inspired, adding to the overall effect of this wicked ghost story.  In many scenes, things move on their own accord, gas stations light up, signs will change what they say, and objects will appear and then reappear as something else.

            I’m also particularly taken with the notion that these ghosts are actually seeking revenge, as the plot reveals through a diary that had been buried in the church walls.  Apparently the town had been founded on plundered treasure, and these spirits wanted their gold back.  I like the idea because this isn’t simply another slasher flick (so congruent with that era in film), these entities are pissed off and going to use their anger to get back what was taken from them.  Adrienne Barbeau was excellent as Stevie Wayne, and Tom Atkins as Nick Castle also did a fine job in this film.  The rest of the acting was acceptable, as I was more interested in the cinematography of this film than I was the acting.

            The film is fun and definitely worthy of anyone’s horror collection.  It often felt like a love note to horror stories that may have inspired Carpenter himself as a child, and those always hold a special place in my own heart.  Number of killers?  1+  Body Count? 4+ Boob count? Zero. Cheap Thrills? One.  Actual Creeps Given?  One or two.  Entertainment?  Indeed.  Raven’s Scream Meter Says 3 out of 5 screams.  Would have preferred that the ghosts actually go after the ancestors of the people who killed them in the first place, or after the priest who had the gold – instead of going after and killing off random, flat characters that no one was invested in.    

           

     

Super 8 (2011)

    

            Super 8 (2011), written and directed by J. J. Abrams, adds humor and sentimentality into one’s monster movie collection.  The story is set in 1979, and is based around a group of kids filming a zombie movie during their summer vacation.  As the group films a scene by the train tracks just outside of town, they witness a major train wreck involving an air force train and a white pickup truck.  The wreck is devastating, causing massive damage and plenty of explosions.  This was one of the best parts of the film, in my humble opinion.  The beginning was decent, as far as opening a window into the world of these characters, but the train wreck actually makes you sit up and pay attention. 

            The acting was acceptable, and there were definitely some good performances from the younger thespians.  The adults in the film were often sort of cheesy, but the younger actors seem to balance that out.  Some of the better performances included Elle Fanning (as Alice Dainard) and Joel Courtney (as Joe Lamb).  I was also particularly taken with Ryan Lee’s character Cary, as he just seemed like a fun friend to have –he has a fireworks obsession that is both quirky and charming (or maybe I can just relate).  I couldn’t decide if the weakest link was Kyle Chandler as Mr. Lamb or AJ Michalka as Jen Kaznyk, but both were pretty horrible. 

            I’ve read a lot of criticism online due to apparent errors in timeline.  One critic notes that Rubik’s Cubes weren’t out in 1979, and another mentions that Walkman’s were not yet popular in the States that year either.  Though these mistakes seem like valid mistakes, the truth is only off by about a year and I won’t bust Abram’s balls about it.  It is highly nostalgic of the time period, even with its nod to ET (1982), and captures the charm of the era – something people can resonate with.  The plot and main characters of the movie are somewhat juvenile, but I believe this is what the director was going for when making the film.  It is supposed to feel nostalgic and somewhat nerdy.  I sort of felt like I was watching a cross between Stephen King’s IT and ET, with better graphics and a bigger budget. 

          I like monster movies, and this monster was definitely unique in that it was not something typically depicted as coming from outer space.  The telepathy was a nice yet somewhat predictable touch, but the idea of the materials that could turn into other materials (for the space ship) was intriguing.  Number of killers? Two.  Body Count?  At least 15.  Boob count? Zero.  Cheap thrills?  One or two.  Actual creeps endured?  Two or three.  Entertainment?  Absolutely.  Raven’s Scream Meter says: 3 out of 5 screams.  Enjoy this 79 throwback, it’s got great graphics, lots of explosions (my inner Beavis was screaming “Fire! Fire!!!” throughout the film), and a cool alien.  What’s not to like? 

The Moth Diaries (2011)

            For those who dig teen scream style flicks, The Moth Diaries by Mary Harron (2011) would make an excellent addition to your horror collection.  Though some of the plot is predictable, there is enough intrigue and blood in this movie to keep viewers interested.  A young girl named Rebecca searches for the hidden truths about the new girl Ernessa, who has won the heart of Rebecca’s best friend Lucie.  Ernessa slowly takes over Rebecca’s place as Lucie’s best friend, and Lucie begins to grow paler and less hungry as she spends more time with this mysterious new girl.  Rebecca, played by Sarah Bolger, is a believable and interesting character who appears to be the most rounded of all the characters in the film.  Ernessa, portrayed by Lily Cole, is somewhat strange looking (which totally adds to the creep factor her character already reeks) and seems to know a lot about many things at a young age.  It is not hard for viewers or Rebecca to become suspicious of this so-called ‘young’ lady.

            Scott Speedman makes an appearance in the film as the new English teacher Mr. Davies, which was a nice surprise.  Mr. Davies immediately takes a liking to Rebecca’s character because he admired her father, who was a poet before tragically taking his own life.  But after Rebecca begins to confide in Mr. Davies, he first attempts to kiss her and then reveals her confidences to other staff members at the school (which actually did come as a surprise to me).  Because of this plot twist, I began to get the impression that not only was Ernessa a vampire, but so was Mr. Davies (after all, they were both new to the school).  But I digress.  Bodies begin turning up everywhere, but Rebecca’s concerns are brushed off through the entire film as girlish jealousy.  As everyone Rebecca loves either gets kicked out or dies, Rebecca begins to realize that the real victim of the story is herself.

The goriest parts of the film are no doubt involving Rebecca’s fantasies and memories, so not much of it exists in the reality of this film (as far as blood goes, anyway, which is what I look for in vampire films above all else).  Rebecca’s daydreams are full of blood, some that she remembers (her father’s) and some that arrives in rifts as though being thrown on her in buckets.  But I must say I was rather disappointed in the lack of blood in the ‘reality’ of this film.  The score was really rather unmentionable, but it wasn’t unpleasant either so that is a plus.  Setting and costume were cliché, but fit the storyline.  Number of killers?  Two.  Body count?  5+  Boob count?  One.  Cheap thrills?  Maybe one.  Actual spooks endured:  Zero.  Entertainment?  It’s fun and intriguing, but not exactly scary.  Raven’s Scream Meter says: 2.5 out of 5 screams.  Almost a psychological thriller, at the end I am not sure whether the antagonist(s) are vampires or some strange moth-creature that can become human.  Thoughts?          

Daughters of Darkness (1971)

            When I first noticed Harry Kümel’s “Daughters of Darkness,” and read the summary about the film, I became intrigued due to a particular character.  I have always entertained a fascination with Elizabeth Bathory, and for those of you who are unfamiliar with her, she thought that blood possessed the power to bestow upon the skin and organs eternal youth, and believing thus, she slaughtered many virgin girls so that she could bathe in their blood. “She pierced their veins with rusty nails, and then slit their throats.”  Of fucking corpse that is my kind of lady, one of the most vicious and insane women of history, in my humble opinion.  So naturally when I read that Countess Bathory would make an appearance in the film, I wanted to see it.  I am pleased to say I was not entirely disappointed.    

            The movie begins by getting viewers acquainted with a young couple, Stefan and Valerie (portrayed by John Karlen and Danielle Ouimet) who have just been married.  The couple passes through a vacation resort and winds up running into the mysterious and enchanting Countess Bathory (portrayed by Delphine Syerig), who right away takes a fancy to the couple.  The Countess, however, also has a companion with her already, a woman named Ilona (portrayed by Andrea Rau) who is in love with lady Bathory, and she professes jealousy that her companion’s attention is elsewhere.  For some reason, I never pictured Bathory as a blonde, but it seems to work well for Syerig and she plays a most convincing Bathory.  Her performance is cold, intense, and provocative.

            One criticism I have is of the horrid orange robe Karlen is forced to don for part of the film.  Everyone else looks stylish, and he is in this robe and nothing else (which makes him look somewhat insane).  Not that he didn’t already look insane when he beat his wife with a belt for no apparent reason.  That would be my second criticism…not quite sure why Stefan’s character had the dark streak when he intends to be a hero in saving Valerie from Bathory later on in the film.  His characterization, I felt, was the weakest link in this film.  He acts very shady at first about talking to his mother and telling her of the wedding, and then calls home and some guy answers, but viewers never figure out who this dude is or why ‘it would be bad if she found out about them.’  When Bathory and Valerie wind up killing him and drinking blood out of his slit wrists, I was amused because his character was annoying. 

            Though this is an older film and has a somewhat slow pace to the action, I have to say it was a good movie that I enjoyed watching.  Syerig delivers a wicked performance and there are parts of the plot that are particularly intriguing.  Number of killers?  Four.  Body Count? Five.  Boob Count?  Three.  Cheap Thrills? Zero.  Actual Spooks Endured: One.  Entertainment?  For sure.  Raven’s Scream Meter Says: 3 out of 5 Screams.  Another enjoyable foreign flick, with a moderate amount of gore to satiate the horror fiend's appetite.           

Suspiria (1977)

"Suzy, do you know anything about witches?"  Ok, so I may be a tad biased when it comes to the review of this movie, as it is one of my all time favorites and in my opinion a true horror classic.  Dario Argento’s Suspiria is downright awesome: from the set, to the costumes, to the murder scenes, to the score, to the lighting, the entire film is like candy for the eyes and ears of the horror-inclined.  For those of you who have not yet seen this film, I will indulge you with a synopsis:  Suzy Bannion, as portrayed by Jessica Harper, heads to Germany to attend a school of dance there.  She arrives, and immediately murders begin occurring all over the school.  Viewers eventually become aware that the school is instructed by a coven of wicked witches, and I mean that in the most literal sense.  This is the first of the Three Mothers Argento trilogy, and they are all exquisite films.       

Though I have heard the original concept was supposed to be young girls (ages six or seven), the actors in the film do a fine job with their roles.  Because it is an older film, some of the gore looks slightly stiff, but there is plenty of it to go around in this film.  The score was written by Goblin, a personal favorite of mine (horror movie score wise), and it compliments the tone that Argento sets with the red and blue lighting and intriguing setting that is full of bold architecture and unique furnishings.  Actually the setting is so gorgeous and unique that it adds an otherworldly element to the eerie feeling about the movie in a way not many other movies have pulled off (if any). 

This film is unique in many ways, but conceptually it is far superior to others of its kind.  I have never seen witches portrayed in quite the same fashion as Argento’s; they are very shadowy in his films and operate largely behind the scenes while the protagonists scramble for clues to explain the inexplicable events that keep occurring around them.  It is seriously a brilliant concept made even better by the acting, lighting, gore, set, and sound.  The murder scenes in this movie are inspiring – one girl is pulled through a window, stabbed repeatedly and choked with an electrical cord over a stained glass window/skylight, and when the window inevitably breaks underneath her she is hung by the cord.  Genius.  There is another scene in which one of the characters winds up trapped by the killer in a room full of barbed wire.  She gets caught in the wire and then, just as she is about to reach the door to this steel room of doom (still entangled in the hateful wire), her throat is brutally slashed.  The scene is one of those where the viewer also feels stuck in the wire, and it might make one’s heart race with the hope she gets free…well…unless one has already read this review and knows she doesn’t.  Bahaha!

For my friends that detest subtitles – no worries here, it is dubbed into English, and the dubbing was done well.  In a movie like this, it would be hard to focus on subtitles anyway with all of the lush scenery viewers will be taking in!  Anyone who has heard of Argento but hasn’t managed to catch any of his flicks yet – this is a great starter film that will show you exactly why Argento is a master of horror.  Often referred to as “the new Hitchcock,” Argento takes horror to a different place than most other directors.  Watch it now and thank me later.  Number of killers?  Somewhat unclear.  We know for sure that there is at least one, but many of the staff are part of the coven of witches, so I’m going with 1+  Body Count? Five +.  Boob Count?  Zero.  Cheap Thrills? Zero.  Actual Spooks Endured: Four.  Entertainment?  Oh hell yes.  Raven’s Scream Meter Says: 5 out of 5 Screams.  A true classic that will continue to be an inspiration to horror directors for years to come.        

Muoi - The Legend of a Portrait (2007)

“Death begins the curse…”  Intense is the first word that comes to mind when attempting to describe Tae-kyeong Kim’s Muoi: The Legend of a Portrait.  Vietnam’s first addition to the horror genre, and first rated film ever, is an excellent ghost story that has a great pace, intriguing plot, and a believable ensemble that all serve to draw viewers in and keep them interested.  Essentially the plot revolves around a young Korean author, Yun-hui (convincingly portrayed by An Jo), who is writing a piece on a local legend about a ghost named Muoi.  There were all kinds of different stories surrounding the death and curse of Muoi, and Yun-hui was trying to find the true story so that she could write a book about it.  The movie begins with a mysterious, ghost-y death, and then cuts to clips that Yun-hui has taken of people describing what they had heard about the curse of Muoi.  Viewers soon learn that Yun-hui is about to travel to Vietnam to meet up with an old friend, Seo-yeon (portrayed by Ye-ryeon Cha).  The catch here is that Yun-hui’s first novel contained some rather scathing remarks about Seo-yeon, and Yun-hui had no idea whether or not Seo-yeon had read the book.    

When the two girls do meet up, the uncomfortable feeling between the two girls easily translates to the audience through body language and tone of voice.  Though through much of the film it is unclear as to whether or not Seo-yeon has read Yun-hui’s book, as the two seem to be getting along fairly well.  Seo-yeon begins to tell Yun-hui everything she knows about the curse of Muoi, and takes her to Muoi’s house.  From this point on, there are plenty of ghostly antics for everyone – and, might I add, a ton of cheap thrills for those that like jump-out-of-your-skin moments.   The cinematography in this film was done beautifully, and there are some particularly stunning shots and interesting angles during the temple scenes.  And, on a girly note, I personally enjoyed the wardrobe of the film as well.  There is a particular coat that Yun-hui wears that has teeny round buttons on it that I thought was simple and elegant looking, particularly on that character.

I actually expected a lot more blood when I first settled down to watch this flick, but the spook factor was still pretty high so I can’t complain about the lack of blood.  Viewers do get to see Muoi as she has her face doused in acid (or something like acid) which is awesomely gruesome, but viewers don’t get to see the mangled face except for in quick flash shots that were mostly too quick to see anything truly gore-y.  I thoroughly enjoyed most of Yun-hui’s dream sequences, as they tended to be dark and edgy.  From what I have discovered of Asian film, my opinion is that no one else can film a dream sequence in quite the same fashion: I believe the Asian culture truly has a grasp on the subconscious and dream world.  But I digress.

The ending of the film might be the only part that could be criticized, as after the curse plays out, viewers do not get to see what happens to Yun-hui.  Does she die, does she live…we don’t know.  The only closure viewers get from this film is that the revenge that was sought after was attained.  A fair warning for those who do not like subtitles, this movie is indeed a subtitled film, so I thought it my duty to let you know prior to your search for it.  I am unsure as to whether or not there is a dubbed version of this film (or a remake in another language), so if you find out any of this please let me know!  Number of killers?  Four.  Body Count? Six.  Boob Count?  Zero.  Cheap Thrills? Five.  Actual Spooks Endured: Three.  Entertainment?  Oh hell yes.  Raven’s Scream Meter Says: 4 out of 5 Screams.  A wonderful addition to anyone’s foreign horror collection.       

We Are the Night (2010)

            “Wouldn’t you grab onto them with both arms and never, never let them go,” the narrator questions the audience in the beginning sequence of We Are the Night.  Essentially the story revolves around a girl named Lena (portrayed by Karoline Herfurth) and a group of vampires led by Louise (portrayed by Nina Hoss).  I am always delighted to find vampire movies that somewhat keep to the original idea of vampires – lots of blood, no sunlight, no sparkles.  This movie kicks off with an entire airplane full of victims.  In fact, most of the body count in this movie is actually found in the first ten minutes.  But I digress.  Viewers see the airplane full of victims, and the three lady vamps (interesting concept in this move, there are no male vampires) as they prepare to jump out of the doomed vessel.  Then the movie cuts to Lena and running from Tom the cop (portrayed by Max Riemelt) – and she is giving him quite the chase.  She even manages to grasp (and then continues to hang on to) a barbed wire fence, which bloodied up her hands pretty bad. Lena runs into the group of vamps at one of Louise’s clubs, and Louise immediately has an attraction to Lena because of her eyes.  Louise bites Lena and there is an excellent sequence in which Lena is beginning to become a vampire.  At one point, Lena runs to the fridge and grabs some hamburger meat and sucks the blood out of it, even grabbing the meat tray and drinking the blood off of that when she was done.  Beautiful.

            The gore in this film is done well, and there is plenty of blood to satiate the horror fiend’s appetite.  At one point Charlotte (portrayed by Jennifer Ulrich, and coincidently my favorite character in the film) is getting barked at by a guy in a restaurant about her cigarette, so she puts the smoke out in her eye and winks at him.  It was cute, and provided viewers with a unique portrayal of the regeneration abilities vampires generally are gifted with.   Nora (portrayed by Anna Fischer and my other fave character in this movie) also proved to be a fun addition to the film; when the security guard gets sliced and is bleeding, her hungry facial expressions make the scene all the more compelling and fang-tastic.  I do have one negative critique, when Lena is given her new whip (super fancy car) to drive around; she keys the car before getting into it.  I wasn’t really sure what kind of statement this was intended to make, and it didn’t fit with the rest of the scene. 

            We Are the Night was originally written/filmed in Germany, but for those who do not enjoy subtitled films this movie is dubbed into English (and decently dubbed, I might add).  That being said, I’d like to see the same film in German with subtitles, so I could hear the original actors inflections and such.  I personally prefer to hear the language and read subtitles than watched a dubbed film.  I think the film is geared more toward Ann Rice style vampires and not Stephanie Meyers works…so I would not call this film ‘an answer to’ or ‘a creation because of’ Twilight.  The vamps in this film note that the blood of evil men tastes sweeter, and that is most definitely a throw back to Rice’s fanged ones, as well as the rich way in which the immortal characters live (Lestat, anyone?).  I would call this film a must-see for those that like a little drama mixed in with their horror, and for people who dig vamps that don’t sparkle.  Number of killers?  Basically four, but there are a few more than the main four mixed in there.  Body count?  About fifteen.  Boob count?  Zero.  Cheap thrills?  Zero.  Actual creeps given?  Zero.  Entertainment: Loads.  Raven’s Scream Meter Says: 3.5 out of 5 screams – a delightfully fun fang fest! Bonus points for both the creepy carnival scenes, as well as VAST playing during the ending credits.  Love.

House (1986)

“This is my uncle's harpoon gun.” Hi everyone, sorry it has been so long since I wrote a review, but school had me quite busy over the last couple weeks.  Tonight I will conclude my B-movie week of reviews with a well-known B film.  House, directed by Steve Miner, is a classic B film and absolutely the best film out of all of the low-budget features I enjoyed through the week.  First, the movie kicks off with a sweet score that sounds original and fitting to the horror genre.  Most of the other movies I viewed this week actually had pretty lame music, so this was a huge plus in my book.  The setting was also more inspired; the house had elaborate decorations and unique furniture.  The movie kicks off with Mrs. Cooper hanging herself in her bedroom (awesome).  From there, audiences meet Roger Cobb (portrayed by William Katt); Mrs. Cooper’s nephew who decides to take the house over after his aunt commits suicide. 

So Cobb takes over the house, and audiences then discover that his son went missing at this house not too long ago – and Roger is on a mission to find his missing son.  He is convinced to his very core that his son (Jimmy) is in the house somewhere, still alive.  Cobb battles with zombies and other ghastly beings through the rest of the film, tearing the house apart and continuing to look for his son. Katt does an excellent job of acting in this film, again better than any of the other B films I viewed this week.  I particularly liked Katt’s performance during the closet scene, when he opens the door expecting a monster but there was nothing there…at least for a few seconds.  The scene itself was brilliant, but Katt pulls it off cleverly.  I also would like to commend Miner’s vision, particularly with the bathroom scene.  A razor would definitely be a common object to find lurking in the bathroom…so where other movies this week have fallen short on producing weapons that would ‘naturally’ be in a room – Miner succeeded.  Bravo, Miner.  Awesome sauce.  The shots of Vietnam were also very cool, and gave Katt’s character more depth than he would have had without that part of the story line. Bonus points for Richard Moll as Big Ben, a particularly well-done zombie that was also in Vietnam with Cobb.  Won't say too much about their relationship as I don't want to give too many spoilers here. 

My only real criticism of this film is that some parts that were intended to be scary wound up as being more laughable…particularly the “Sandy” monster.  She was kind of cool-looking, but also kind of cheesy-funny.  I am not sure that this is what Miner had in mind.  For the most part, though, if you go into this movie knowing it is low-budget and use your imagination it is an interesting film that truly blows a lot of other movies in it’s category out of the water.  A must-see for those who dig fun and inventive horror.  Number of killers?  I guess I forgot to count the killers because there is no number written here for it.  You watch it and tell me.  Body Count? Seven.  Boob Count?  Zero.  Cheap Thrills? Three.  Actual Spooks Endured: Three.  Entertainment?  Fuckin a.  Raven’s Scream Meter Says: 3 out of 5 Screams.  Watch this movie with your friends, it’s one of those great ones that you can talk shit to and still enjoy.    

Vampegeddon (2010)

            As most of you know, I’m a huge fan of vampires.  No, not the sparkly kind…I like the bloodsucking fiends from beyond the grave.  You know: the scary ones.  Anyway, I decided to check out Jeffery Alan Miller’s 2010 Vampegeddon because it sounded like a bloody good time.  The plot is essentially about Count Giovanni (a popular vampire, portrayed by Shane Dean) and his rival Longshanks.  In the first five minutes of the film, viewers get to enjoy five vampire slayings at the hand of Longshanks. Here begins my criticism of the film…Dean’s makeup was terrible (as well as his costume) and it made him look like a cheesy metal dude trying to pretend to be Dracula.  Something inspired here would have been better.  Once Giovanni and his cronies are dust, the plot changes to modern day and revolves around new central characters, a group of Goth kids that are trying to raise the undead. 

Another criticism I have is about a scene that introduces these Goth characters with two of the girls talking about ‘middle aged’ people…but the girls themselves look middle aged.  Are we really to believe that these two are in college or (eep!) high school?  Secondly, the character Mona (portrayed by Sugar Cox) has on a headdress that makes her look absolutely ridiculous…she looks much better with it off and thank goodness doesn’t wear it through the entire film.  The only truly notable acting in the film was Jacqueline Smith’s portrayal of Liz (and, by circumstance, Longshanks), which she nailed. 

As this is a vampire movie, I expected lots of blood.  Buckets, if you will.  But I was highly disappointed in the lack of gore…no blood when the vampires are biting, no blood when they are staked, nada.  I think the most blood viewers actually get a chance to see is smeared all over the torso of the character Melissa, and is truthfully done super cheesily.  The only redeeming factor to the lack of blood was the body count – plenty of death to go around in this film.  I just expected the deaths to be more creative…and absolutely more bloody.    

My final criticism has to do with how easy everything seemed to be for the characters.  Melissa just ‘happens’ upon a garage sale that carries Kindred in Blood (a book to resurrect vampires).  Who in the fuck just has this kind of book sitting round?  I would have expected her to have to do some digging in order to find that kind of item.  Then, when you think things couldn’t be any easier for them since they now have the book, poof! – a map comes flying out of the book to tell the characters the direct location to perform this ritual.  Lame. 

If you are a vampire fan, this happens to be better than Twilight.  But not by much.  Number of killers? Three.  Body Count? Right around 14.  Boob count? Five.  Cheap thrills? One.  Actual creeps given? Zero.  Entertainment?  So-so.  Raven’s Scream Meter says:  1 out of 5 screams.  Needs more blood, better makeup, and more conflict to suit my taste.  Did I mention that it should have had more blood?  Vampires like blood.  Vampire movies should have an unlimited ‘blood budget’ before anything else.  Blood.

Evil Weed (2009)

I checked out this movie because the title seemed funny, and I have to say I wasn’t completely disappointed.  In my week of B movies, I will not lie that this one was not one of the best.  But it was definitely funny in a few places, and for the guys there are lots of chicks running round in skimpy bikinis so if you like that then you will get your fill from this flick. 

            The basic gist is this: this group of kids finds some ‘tainted’ weed that once smoked causes them to come over all demon-y.  Once one of them has the demon inside them, any kind of fluid transfer can cause the others to get ‘sick’ as well.  Not the most original or inspired concept, but it nevertheless is a recipe for fun.  When the first girl begins to feel the side effects, I laughed out loud at the slow, sluggish: “I don’t feel so good.”  There is another point at the end of the film in which two of the characters are driving away together that is also hilarious. 

            The setting wasn’t terrible, and I particularly liked the shots of the city as the kids traveled to their getaway spot in the Hamptons.  The gore was shitty in parts but actually kind of cool in others.  For example, the pool death was totally lame – but the cut and bloodied-up foot made up for that.  The scenes where people are toking up and then have bloody mouths…well that shit is a bit too abstract for my taste.  But I digress. 

            The score was kind of alright, until the butt-rock started up.  But the butt-rock doesn’t continue through the entirety of the film, so that is a plus.  Some of the acting in this film is decent, and some is not.  The actors as an ensemble looked rather un-synced, but some of the individual acting was alright – definitely not the worst I’ve seen by far.  My final criticism of this movie was its plodding, dopey plot (pun intended).  After the kids smoke up, I’m thinking “YEAH they are all dead soon!” but the actual side effects don’t happen for at least thirty minutes after they puff.  Must have been some creeper bud.   

            Number of killers?  At least two, but I honestly didn’t keep track due to the slowness of the plot.  Body count? Two or three.  Boob count? Less than or equal to one. Cheap thrills?  Zero. Actual creeps given?  One.  Good show on that by the way, Wexler.  Entertainment? So-so.  Raven’s Scream Meter says: 1 out of 5 screams – good for a laugh, but if you want to watch something scary this probably isn’t the movie for you. 

The Landlord (2009)

            “I thought maybe we could...hack something,” is my favorite line from Emil Hyde’s The Landlord, and fittingly sets the mood for the rest of the movie.  The gist of this comedy/horror tale is this: Tyler (portrayed by Derek Dziak) owns this building that is possessed by demons.  He keeps renting out the apartment to different tenants, and then the demons residing in the building eat the people that have moved in.  After viewers get an eyeful of the demons, and come to understand their passion for human flesh, Tyler finds a new tenant that he has a bit of a crush on.  Wackiness ensues.

            Some of my favorite scenes in this film include the first motel scene – which is totally random and pretty hilarious, and the movie the ‘clinic’ shows about abortion as murder.  I would not, however, rank this movie in the Shaun of the Dead category.  Some of the acting is good, some of it is not.  I felt that Rom Barkhordar portraying the demon Rabisu fell short in several places.  Some of that may not have been his fault - he would have been better without the old-worldy style speech and better makeup.  The infomercial scene with Barkhordar was charming, though, and kept me intrigued with the character. 

            In my humble opinion, the makeup for the two main demons could have been more inspired.  One looked like a dog, and one looked like his chin had HPV.  The special effects also fell short, I think they could have been omitted and the scenery could have had more budgeting.  Another weak point for this movie was the score, in that there wasn’t much of one in the beginning and then when it was added the sound was terrible. My final criticism has only to do with how the vampires were portrayed; they carried an umbrella to ‘block’ the sun in one scene, but were constantly out during the day in others.  All I ask for is consistency (and if those fiends can walk about in the day, an explanation!).  I have also read reviews that call these things ‘demons,’ but in the movie they call them ‘undead,’ and viewers can see them drinking blood – so I’m going with ‘vampires,’ to clear up any confusion.    

            Though I have some negative feedback here, I did find this movie worth watching.  It has an interesting concept that could have been developed better if the director wasn’t working with such a small budget.  There was enough lightheartedness in the film to make it silly, and yet enough gore to satiate those who are watching the film for its horror aspects.  The script is probably the best aspect of the film, so if you give it a whirl try and look past the low budget and enjoy the concept and dialogue.   Number of killers?  Four at least.  Body count? Around six.  Boob count? Zero. Cheap thrills? Zero. Actual creeps given? Zero.  Entertainment? Indeed. Raven’s Scream Meter says: 3 out of 5 screams.  Looking forward to seeing more from Hyde in the future.