Dark Shadows (2012)

            I’ve been a fan of the television show Dark Shadows for a long time now, so I was curious to see how it would be translated to the silver screen via Burton and Depp.  Generally speaking, when it comes to either this particular director OR actor, I know the movie will at least be interesting (if not completely rad).  The previews had me slightly worried because the show itself was supposed to be serious, and spooky – and the previews for this theatrical version seemed to portray a humorous side, which was something the original show had not incorporated.  But I tend to like the way Depp portrays pretty much any character, and his portrayal of Barnabas Collins didn’t fall short.  He did an excellent job of being vampyric, yet still retaining a sense of human whimsy, which no Barnabas actor has managed to accomplish so far. 

            Michelle Pfeiffer was excellent as always, as was Helena Bonham Carter.  Eva Green, however, looked like a pale crack whore throughout the film and her acting didn’t do anything to help balance that out.  Actually that was a major flaw I saw in the design of this film.  Though I understand Burton likes the gothic look, everyone in the movie is so astonishingly pale that when Barnabas becomes a vampire, he is very nearly indistinguishable as such.  Just a little blush to the cheeks of the other characters would have been a nice touch.  The soundtrack, however, makes up for the makeup flaw – it is an excellent soundtrack for the film bursting with a ton of great music from the 70s.  I noticed I liked the music selection right away, and there wasn’t a song in the film’s entirety that I didn’t like.

            I found quite a bit of the film to differ from the television show.  Sometimes, in surprising and fun ways.  The fireplace with the wolves that move was a wonderful touch, and was uniquely Burton in style.  In the television series, Angelique is still trapped in the 1700s, not bleached blonde and wreaking havoc on the Maine coast, circa now.  I thought that was a little much, though I must admit it helped move the plot along more quickly.  It was also a surprise to me that Carolyn is a werewolf, I wasn’t expecting that.  There seemed to be a lot more witchcraft and several more ghosties in the television show, but like I said earlier the show took itself much more seriously.  Some of the sillier moments, however, lacked originality and fell flat to me.  When Barnabas encounters the road, it reminded me quite a lot of Hocus Pocus.  And his little comments about the television have also been done before.  The best line from the movie and something that caught me as superiorly original was Barnabas’ comment about the lava lamp: “It looks like a pulsating blood urn.”  Ha!  Beautiful.

              My final criticism of the film is when Barnabas sires Victoria.  The character had bitten and killed around ten or so filler characters along the way, and none of them became a vampire. Victoria would have to drink Barnabas’ blood prior to her death in order for the ‘transfusion’ or ‘turn’ to happen.  Instead, Barnabas jumps off the cliff, catches her mid-air, and drinks from her and somehow without the aid of his blood she magically becomes a vampire.  I expected more from Burton in this particular moment, to be honest.  Number of killers?  Three, if you count the suicide.  Body count?  Somewhere around 20.  Groups get slaughtered a couple times during the course of the film.  Boob count?  Zero.  Cheap thrills?  Zero.  Actual creeps given?  None, this is much more of a dark comedy – think Young Frankenstein.  Entertainment?  Of course.  You can’t really go wrong with Burton and Depp.  Raven’s Scream Meter says:  3.5 out of 5 screams, it’s funny and dark but not nearly gory (or creepy) enough for my taste.