As most of you know, I’m a huge fan of vampires. No, not the sparkly kind…I like the bloodsucking fiends from beyond the grave. You know: the scary ones. Anyway, I decided to check out Jeffery Alan Miller’s 2010 Vampegeddon because it sounded like a bloody good time. The plot is essentially about Count Giovanni (a popular vampire, portrayed by Shane Dean) and his rival Longshanks. In the first five minutes of the film, viewers get to enjoy five vampire slayings at the hand of Longshanks. Here begins my criticism of the film…Dean’s makeup was terrible (as well as his costume) and it made him look like a cheesy metal dude trying to pretend to be Dracula. Something inspired here would have been better. Once Giovanni and his cronies are dust, the plot changes to modern day and revolves around new central characters, a group of Goth kids that are trying to raise the undead.
Another criticism I have is about a scene that introduces these Goth characters with two of the girls talking about ‘middle aged’ people…but the girls themselves look middle aged. Are we really to believe that these two are in college or (eep!) high school? Secondly, the character Mona (portrayed by Sugar Cox) has on a headdress that makes her look absolutely ridiculous…she looks much better with it off and thank goodness doesn’t wear it through the entire film. The only truly notable acting in the film was Jacqueline Smith’s portrayal of Liz (and, by circumstance, Longshanks), which she nailed.
As this is a vampire movie, I expected lots of blood. Buckets, if you will. But I was highly disappointed in the lack of gore…no blood when the vampires are biting, no blood when they are staked, nada. I think the most blood viewers actually get a chance to see is smeared all over the torso of the character Melissa, and is truthfully done super cheesily. The only redeeming factor to the lack of blood was the body count – plenty of death to go around in this film. I just expected the deaths to be more creative…and absolutely more bloody.
My final criticism has to do with how easy everything seemed to be for the characters. Melissa just ‘happens’ upon a garage sale that carries Kindred in Blood (a book to resurrect vampires). Who in the fuck just has this kind of book sitting round? I would have expected her to have to do some digging in order to find that kind of item. Then, when you think things couldn’t be any easier for them since they now have the book, poof! – a map comes flying out of the book to tell the characters the direct location to perform this ritual. Lame.
If you are a vampire fan, this happens to be better than Twilight. But not by much. Number of killers? Three. Body Count? Right around 14. Boob count? Five. Cheap thrills? One. Actual creeps given? Zero. Entertainment? So-so. Raven’s Scream Meter says: 1 out of 5 screams. Needs more blood, better makeup, and more conflict to suit my taste. Did I mention that it should have had more blood? Vampires like blood. Vampire movies should have an unlimited ‘blood budget’ before anything else. Blood.
No comments:
Post a Comment