House (1986)

“This is my uncle's harpoon gun.” Hi everyone, sorry it has been so long since I wrote a review, but school had me quite busy over the last couple weeks.  Tonight I will conclude my B-movie week of reviews with a well-known B film.  House, directed by Steve Miner, is a classic B film and absolutely the best film out of all of the low-budget features I enjoyed through the week.  First, the movie kicks off with a sweet score that sounds original and fitting to the horror genre.  Most of the other movies I viewed this week actually had pretty lame music, so this was a huge plus in my book.  The setting was also more inspired; the house had elaborate decorations and unique furniture.  The movie kicks off with Mrs. Cooper hanging herself in her bedroom (awesome).  From there, audiences meet Roger Cobb (portrayed by William Katt); Mrs. Cooper’s nephew who decides to take the house over after his aunt commits suicide. 

So Cobb takes over the house, and audiences then discover that his son went missing at this house not too long ago – and Roger is on a mission to find his missing son.  He is convinced to his very core that his son (Jimmy) is in the house somewhere, still alive.  Cobb battles with zombies and other ghastly beings through the rest of the film, tearing the house apart and continuing to look for his son. Katt does an excellent job of acting in this film, again better than any of the other B films I viewed this week.  I particularly liked Katt’s performance during the closet scene, when he opens the door expecting a monster but there was nothing there…at least for a few seconds.  The scene itself was brilliant, but Katt pulls it off cleverly.  I also would like to commend Miner’s vision, particularly with the bathroom scene.  A razor would definitely be a common object to find lurking in the bathroom…so where other movies this week have fallen short on producing weapons that would ‘naturally’ be in a room – Miner succeeded.  Bravo, Miner.  Awesome sauce.  The shots of Vietnam were also very cool, and gave Katt’s character more depth than he would have had without that part of the story line. Bonus points for Richard Moll as Big Ben, a particularly well-done zombie that was also in Vietnam with Cobb.  Won't say too much about their relationship as I don't want to give too many spoilers here. 

My only real criticism of this film is that some parts that were intended to be scary wound up as being more laughable…particularly the “Sandy” monster.  She was kind of cool-looking, but also kind of cheesy-funny.  I am not sure that this is what Miner had in mind.  For the most part, though, if you go into this movie knowing it is low-budget and use your imagination it is an interesting film that truly blows a lot of other movies in it’s category out of the water.  A must-see for those who dig fun and inventive horror.  Number of killers?  I guess I forgot to count the killers because there is no number written here for it.  You watch it and tell me.  Body Count? Seven.  Boob Count?  Zero.  Cheap Thrills? Three.  Actual Spooks Endured: Three.  Entertainment?  Fuckin a.  Raven’s Scream Meter Says: 3 out of 5 Screams.  Watch this movie with your friends, it’s one of those great ones that you can talk shit to and still enjoy.    

Vampegeddon (2010)

            As most of you know, I’m a huge fan of vampires.  No, not the sparkly kind…I like the bloodsucking fiends from beyond the grave.  You know: the scary ones.  Anyway, I decided to check out Jeffery Alan Miller’s 2010 Vampegeddon because it sounded like a bloody good time.  The plot is essentially about Count Giovanni (a popular vampire, portrayed by Shane Dean) and his rival Longshanks.  In the first five minutes of the film, viewers get to enjoy five vampire slayings at the hand of Longshanks. Here begins my criticism of the film…Dean’s makeup was terrible (as well as his costume) and it made him look like a cheesy metal dude trying to pretend to be Dracula.  Something inspired here would have been better.  Once Giovanni and his cronies are dust, the plot changes to modern day and revolves around new central characters, a group of Goth kids that are trying to raise the undead. 

Another criticism I have is about a scene that introduces these Goth characters with two of the girls talking about ‘middle aged’ people…but the girls themselves look middle aged.  Are we really to believe that these two are in college or (eep!) high school?  Secondly, the character Mona (portrayed by Sugar Cox) has on a headdress that makes her look absolutely ridiculous…she looks much better with it off and thank goodness doesn’t wear it through the entire film.  The only truly notable acting in the film was Jacqueline Smith’s portrayal of Liz (and, by circumstance, Longshanks), which she nailed. 

As this is a vampire movie, I expected lots of blood.  Buckets, if you will.  But I was highly disappointed in the lack of gore…no blood when the vampires are biting, no blood when they are staked, nada.  I think the most blood viewers actually get a chance to see is smeared all over the torso of the character Melissa, and is truthfully done super cheesily.  The only redeeming factor to the lack of blood was the body count – plenty of death to go around in this film.  I just expected the deaths to be more creative…and absolutely more bloody.    

My final criticism has to do with how easy everything seemed to be for the characters.  Melissa just ‘happens’ upon a garage sale that carries Kindred in Blood (a book to resurrect vampires).  Who in the fuck just has this kind of book sitting round?  I would have expected her to have to do some digging in order to find that kind of item.  Then, when you think things couldn’t be any easier for them since they now have the book, poof! – a map comes flying out of the book to tell the characters the direct location to perform this ritual.  Lame. 

If you are a vampire fan, this happens to be better than Twilight.  But not by much.  Number of killers? Three.  Body Count? Right around 14.  Boob count? Five.  Cheap thrills? One.  Actual creeps given? Zero.  Entertainment?  So-so.  Raven’s Scream Meter says:  1 out of 5 screams.  Needs more blood, better makeup, and more conflict to suit my taste.  Did I mention that it should have had more blood?  Vampires like blood.  Vampire movies should have an unlimited ‘blood budget’ before anything else.  Blood.

Evil Weed (2009)

I checked out this movie because the title seemed funny, and I have to say I wasn’t completely disappointed.  In my week of B movies, I will not lie that this one was not one of the best.  But it was definitely funny in a few places, and for the guys there are lots of chicks running round in skimpy bikinis so if you like that then you will get your fill from this flick. 

            The basic gist is this: this group of kids finds some ‘tainted’ weed that once smoked causes them to come over all demon-y.  Once one of them has the demon inside them, any kind of fluid transfer can cause the others to get ‘sick’ as well.  Not the most original or inspired concept, but it nevertheless is a recipe for fun.  When the first girl begins to feel the side effects, I laughed out loud at the slow, sluggish: “I don’t feel so good.”  There is another point at the end of the film in which two of the characters are driving away together that is also hilarious. 

            The setting wasn’t terrible, and I particularly liked the shots of the city as the kids traveled to their getaway spot in the Hamptons.  The gore was shitty in parts but actually kind of cool in others.  For example, the pool death was totally lame – but the cut and bloodied-up foot made up for that.  The scenes where people are toking up and then have bloody mouths…well that shit is a bit too abstract for my taste.  But I digress. 

            The score was kind of alright, until the butt-rock started up.  But the butt-rock doesn’t continue through the entirety of the film, so that is a plus.  Some of the acting in this film is decent, and some is not.  The actors as an ensemble looked rather un-synced, but some of the individual acting was alright – definitely not the worst I’ve seen by far.  My final criticism of this movie was its plodding, dopey plot (pun intended).  After the kids smoke up, I’m thinking “YEAH they are all dead soon!” but the actual side effects don’t happen for at least thirty minutes after they puff.  Must have been some creeper bud.   

            Number of killers?  At least two, but I honestly didn’t keep track due to the slowness of the plot.  Body count? Two or three.  Boob count? Less than or equal to one. Cheap thrills?  Zero. Actual creeps given?  One.  Good show on that by the way, Wexler.  Entertainment? So-so.  Raven’s Scream Meter says: 1 out of 5 screams – good for a laugh, but if you want to watch something scary this probably isn’t the movie for you. 

The Landlord (2009)

            “I thought maybe we could...hack something,” is my favorite line from Emil Hyde’s The Landlord, and fittingly sets the mood for the rest of the movie.  The gist of this comedy/horror tale is this: Tyler (portrayed by Derek Dziak) owns this building that is possessed by demons.  He keeps renting out the apartment to different tenants, and then the demons residing in the building eat the people that have moved in.  After viewers get an eyeful of the demons, and come to understand their passion for human flesh, Tyler finds a new tenant that he has a bit of a crush on.  Wackiness ensues.

            Some of my favorite scenes in this film include the first motel scene – which is totally random and pretty hilarious, and the movie the ‘clinic’ shows about abortion as murder.  I would not, however, rank this movie in the Shaun of the Dead category.  Some of the acting is good, some of it is not.  I felt that Rom Barkhordar portraying the demon Rabisu fell short in several places.  Some of that may not have been his fault - he would have been better without the old-worldy style speech and better makeup.  The infomercial scene with Barkhordar was charming, though, and kept me intrigued with the character. 

            In my humble opinion, the makeup for the two main demons could have been more inspired.  One looked like a dog, and one looked like his chin had HPV.  The special effects also fell short, I think they could have been omitted and the scenery could have had more budgeting.  Another weak point for this movie was the score, in that there wasn’t much of one in the beginning and then when it was added the sound was terrible. My final criticism has only to do with how the vampires were portrayed; they carried an umbrella to ‘block’ the sun in one scene, but were constantly out during the day in others.  All I ask for is consistency (and if those fiends can walk about in the day, an explanation!).  I have also read reviews that call these things ‘demons,’ but in the movie they call them ‘undead,’ and viewers can see them drinking blood – so I’m going with ‘vampires,’ to clear up any confusion.    

            Though I have some negative feedback here, I did find this movie worth watching.  It has an interesting concept that could have been developed better if the director wasn’t working with such a small budget.  There was enough lightheartedness in the film to make it silly, and yet enough gore to satiate those who are watching the film for its horror aspects.  The script is probably the best aspect of the film, so if you give it a whirl try and look past the low budget and enjoy the concept and dialogue.   Number of killers?  Four at least.  Body count? Around six.  Boob count? Zero. Cheap thrills? Zero. Actual creeps given? Zero.  Entertainment? Indeed. Raven’s Scream Meter says: 3 out of 5 screams.  Looking forward to seeing more from Hyde in the future.    

Dreamaniac (1986)

            Dreamaniac’s beginning sequence has it all – blood, fog, thunder, boobs, and Argento-inspired lighting – promising viewers a wicked good time.  And it actually really is a wicked good time, by far one of the best films I’ve watched this week.  The main character is Adam (played by Thomas Bern), a heavy-metal musician, who for some unknown reason decides to turn to black magic to get girls (even though he has a girlfriend).  But it doesn’t fucking matter why the dude turns to black magic, does it?  Heavy-metal and black magic go together like peanut butter and chocolate.  Two wonderful concepts that seem to work even better when combined.  So I can dig it. 

            Anyway, Adam starts off by having trouble sleeping (which viewers realize is due to these bloody awful dreams of a girl biting off his member).  When the girl actually manifests (ohhh boy) for this big party that is thrown at the house with Adam and all of Adam’s friends – people start to die off.  Some of the death scenes are innovative (though some are cheesy, which is to be expected of a low-budget 80s flick) and even kind of gnarly.  My weapon of choice in this film was most definitely the power tool.  The scenes that included that ginormous power tool can be described in two words: blood bath.

            The succubus Lily, portrayed by Sylvia Summers, has hilarious facial expressions.  Her expressions through almost every scene she’s in are simply awesome.  The acting in this is actually not wonderful, but I think that gives this movie more charm.  It has a campy feel that movies that try to be campy don’t always achieve.  Pat (Ashlyn Gere) is only memorable due to the power tool she wields, and all of the characters are pretty flat and one-dimensional.  The score for the movie is undoubtedly 80’s but seems to also have an Italian influence behind it.  

              The ending is pretty sweet, as audiences discover first that Lily isn’t a succubus at all – but an escaped mental patient!  Aw snaps!  “Hope she hasn’t caused you any trouble,” the warden says to the few survivors.  Well I’ll be damned.  So much for the succubus idea, eh?  And just when viewers think they have it all figured out – the scene cuts to a writer on the telephone pitching his ‘pulp novel.’  Oh folly!  The writers did it again!  What an awesomely bad way to end this awesomely bad flick.  My only real negative opinion has to do with all the male arse in this film - this is an aspect of the film that is unnecessary and very much overdone.  But for those of you that enjoy man arse?  This butt's for you - there's a ton of it in this film. 

            Number of killers?  Three.  Body count? Seven.  Boob count? One.  Cheap thrills?  Less than or equal to one.  Actual creeps given?: Zero.  Entertainment?: Loads.  Raven’s Scream Meter says: 4 out of 5 screams.  A delightfully campy gore fest!  Watch it sooner, thank me later.  This film is definitely getting added to my favorite B-rated horror movies.  Well done, DeCoteau, well done.

Curse of the Swamp Creature (1966)

            Deep in the murky swamps, Dr. Simon Trent (played by Jeff Alexander) is hard at work, attempting to create a human with gills.  He has secluded himself and his wife Pat (portrayed by Francine York) amongst, yet apart from, the small group of swamp people that also dwell in the area (but make no mistake, the area is pretty desolate).  These people, viewers learn right away, are none too happy that the doctor has stationed himself in their area.  They worry as some of their people begin disappearing without word, and they see that these disappearances are linked to the arrival of the doctor.  The drumming at the beginning credits suggests voodoo, and sets the tone for the rest of the movie.

            Audiences then learn that there is a group about to partake upon an adventure into the swamp – in search of oil.  There is some confusion in the beginning introductions of this group.  Driscol West (Bill Thurman) shows up at the Fly n’ Fish (loving that name, by the way), and the people who are regulars there kind of take him out when they discover he is there to look for oil.  Brenda Simmons (Shirley McLine) then decides she will step into the role of “Mrs. West,” so that she can go and find the oil herself.  Crafty and kind far fetched, but it appears to work on Barry Rogers (John Agar), who is there to help Driscol in his oil quest.   

            Of course, in their fervent quest for oil, the group stumbles upon Dr. Trent and his wife.  Dr. Trent knows long before they arrive that they are coming, and indicates that he will be ‘hospitable’ to his guests.  As the group moves closer to Dr. Trent’s residence, viewers become aware that they can hear the drumming as well, that it is not included in the film just for them.  The group arrives and one of the members asks to be shown this snake dance that the natives are performing (the cause of the drumming).  The dance is interesting to watch, and the natives have hung a stuffed ‘Dr. Trent’ from a tree to symbolize what they wanted to happen to him. 

            Within a short while, Dr. Trent’s wife has destroyed his latest creature (the others prior to this kept dying, and the doctor would feed the bodies to the alligators), so Dr. Trent takes it upon himself to become fully hospitable to his guests by bestowing this ‘gift’ upon one of them.  Needless to say, it does not end well.  Though the scenes with the alligators are pretty grim, there is no blood in this film and that would cause me to place it more in the ‘sci-fi/thriller’ genre versus the ‘horror’ genre.  If you enjoy creepy scientists and frankenstine-esque swamp creatures, then this movie is definitely worth a watch. 

            Number of killers?  If you examine the movie closely, there are at least five.  Boob count?  Zero.  I guess in B movies there are less boob shots (at least thus far) but you would think there would be more…(B for boobs?!).  Cheap thrills?  Nonezo.  Raven’s Scream Meter says: 2.5 out of 5 screams.  This was a decent thriller, but I won’t lie that it is low budget and quite dated.  I gave it 2.5 because I genuinely enjoyed the concept, and some of the acting.   

Hellweek

            At the beginning of Hellweek (2010), audiences will probably notice that this is a serious low-budget film.  But that doesn’t necessarily mean that the movie stinks.  I happen to really enjoy low-budget productions, and they definitely strike me if they are well written, or have decent acting (or both, if we’re lucky).  Anyway, I digress.  So the film is obviously low-budget.  That’s fine.  There is still some great footage sprinkled throughout the film, so I can look past the whole…bad lighting, barely-there sound thing.  Hellweek is about some college kids who are hazing new fraternity and sorority students by making them visit a local haunted house in Cleveland.  Only, the kids don’t realize that the place is actually haunted – so when they start bringing their friends around the site a bunch of crazy shit starts going down. 

            Remember when I said decent acting can make a low-budget film seem completely worthwhile?  Well forget about it in this film.  When I first encountered Rob Jaeger as J.J., all I could think was: “Is this guy trying to be Stiffler?”  That’s right, I said it.  Stiffler.  In a horror film.  The hell?  Anyway, I generally prefer actors and actresses that create their own brand, not wear someone else’s, if you get my drift.  Karen Fox, to me, seemed as though she literally stole Rose McGowan’s facial expressions and mannerisms for this film as she portrayed ‘Cara,’ J.J.’s naïve girlfriend.  The acting actually worth mentioning in this?  Umm…  

            So is the film at least well-written, you ask?  Meh…I suppose that depends on your definition of ‘well written.’  With lines such as: “We’ll go find some other cum dumpsters to hit on,” I doubt that there will be many intellectual debates about the depth and/or layers of this film.  The best line, hands down, of the film was: “Underneath her burned skin was clown makeup,” which the actors delivered and reacted poorly to.  There were a couple of legitimately funny parts, and one dude actually does say: “I’m off like a prom dress!” which was fucking hilarious.  Overall, however, I’d say the dialogue was not given much thought.  In fact, I’ll put it out there: the dialogue sounds as though it were written by someone who lives in the backwoods of Central, IL…as I’ve actually heard some of this dialogue upon traveling too far away from the city.

But it’s fucking horror, and horror doesn’t always have to be intelligent, or witty, or even have good acting.  It just has to have some blood, somewhere.  And this movie certainly has plenty of blood.  With a loud-ass chainsaw buzzing through at least half of the film, there is plenty of blood to soak through even the most absorbent maxi pad.  One of the killers even wears a clown mask, which was actually kind of frightening, but that could just be due to my dislike of clowns.

Number of killers?  Six or more!  Boob count?  Zero…wait…what?  ZERO boobs?  Are you sure this is horror?  Cheap thrills?  Less than or equal to two.  Raven’s Scream Meter says:  1.5 out of 5 screams…and the .5 is only because of the chainsaw.