Argento's Dracula (2012)

        “For the dead travel fast.”  Good evening fiends, are you ready to sink your teeth into Thirsty Thursday’s review?  Tonight’s fangy feature was brought to us in 2012 by master of horror Dario Argento. An adaptation of Stoker’s Dracula, I was supremely curious to see how one of my all-time favorite horror directors captures this classic and iconic frightmare – and I have to say I was not disappointed!

        Let me begin our review by warning everyone that this is NOT – I repeat for dramatic effect – not – the exact replica of our beloved tale of blood, passion, fangs, and fire.  Please don’t go into this film thinking it can in any way be compared to Coppola’s film from the 90s.  It just isn’t the same film, nor does it want to be. Which makes it all the better, if you ask me.  No, I’m not saying it’s better than Coppola’s film – there isn’t a point in saying that as Gary Oldman is not one to be contested.  But Argento knew this I am sure when he decided to direct this adaptation, which is perhaps why he made the conscious decision to veer off corpse…I mean…course…in the making of this film.  What I am trying to get across, dear readers, is that you simply cannot compare this film to the other because it is entirely different in many various respects.  The reason I feel this needs to be stressed is that when I read other reviews online of this film, they all call this movie ‘abysmal’ and terrible (Sometimes solely based off of the trailer…exqueeze me but since when can you really review a film based off it’s trailer? That’s simply absurd!)…and it was infuriating me because people were continually comparing this to Coppola’s film. It’s not the film, Gary Oldman’s not in it, so lay off already!  

        Anyway, I digress. What we do have that rings true to the original tale are the main characters. We have Count Dracula, obviously, portrayed excellently by Thomas Kretschmann. He was a gorgeous Count and his blue eyes glitter and glint amidst the brilliantly (as per usual) lit setting. We don’t see the Count age and turn young again, then age again as in Coppola’s film. Instead Dracula stays young throughout the film. We have Mina, portrayed by Marta Gastini – and let me just say that I was totally taken in by her performance. She had much more expression, vulnerability, and likeability over Winona Ryder (sorry Winona…I still loved you in Beetlejuice).  We have Jonathan, and Lucy, and Van Helsing, and Renfield. But we are also introduced to an entirely new cast of characters.  People like Zoran, Janek, Tanja, Jarmila, Prete, Delbruck, and more…they are new and delightful additions to the cast of characters, and help make this film entirely different from its predecessors.  To be truthful, the weakest link in the entire cast was Rutger Hauer as Van Helsing. He spoke…in pauses…even worse than…William Shatner.  My god man! Make a sentence or two flow – like blood – because the blood is the life! 

        As far as the setting, we have creepy castles, gorgeous fashions, plenty of horses and the like. The lighting, in true Argento fashion, was perfection. And the score (even though it ALSO was ripped apart by online critics) was simply marvelous.  I adored the sounds, quite truthfully, and thought them reminiscent of Christopher Lee style Dracula films.  But since I wasn’t going into the film expecting a fully orchestrated soundtrack by Wojciech Kilar, I was not let down in the least. In case I needed to mention that again.

        And let me talk for a second about how incredibly bad ass this Dracula was.  Wow.  Oldman was perfection, don’t get me wrong, but I really wanted Dracula to do more mind control and shape shifting in Coppola’s film – and we get that in this Argento adaptation.  Drac not only turns into a wolf – he also turns into a swarm of flies, a praying mantis, and a screech owl!  He uses mind control more than once, there’s even this amazing scene where he makes a man that betrayed him kill himself. We see him point the gun at his chin, and then we see the bullet travel through his mouth in slow motion, and then motion speeds up again as his head explodes from the bullet. That was, my fiends, simply awesome.  When Kretschmann has death scenes he takes people out with ruthless abandon and even grace. It is great to watch.  Further, he is the first Dracula I’ve heard seem to detest what he is. He states that blood is: “The only way I can still nourish this foul cadaver.”  I enjoy a somewhat broody and self-loathing Count in comparison to the dead-and-loving-it Counts of the past.  

       Now I’ll hook you all up with the stats:  Body count?  I was so thrilled, this movie came in with a whopping 21 deaths.  Some of them are people dying then getting staked, but I counted it because death scenes are death scenes.  Killers?  FIVE!  That’s also a really decent number compared to most horror I’ve reviewed lately.  Cheap thrills? None. Actual chills? Two.  Raven’s Scream Meter Says?  4 out of 5 Screams!  I’d of given it the five but Van Helsing is supposed to be a strong character and he really fell short in this in my opinion.  Definitely worth a watch if you love Dracula or Argento (or both!).  I’ll be watching again I’m sure.  Bravo Argento, it’s safe to say you still are quite the master of horror.  I hope you all found this review a bloody good time!  Thank you for reading, and as per usual feel free to comment below!