Argento's Dracula (2012)

        “For the dead travel fast.”  Good evening fiends, are you ready to sink your teeth into Thirsty Thursday’s review?  Tonight’s fangy feature was brought to us in 2012 by master of horror Dario Argento. An adaptation of Stoker’s Dracula, I was supremely curious to see how one of my all-time favorite horror directors captures this classic and iconic frightmare – and I have to say I was not disappointed!

        Let me begin our review by warning everyone that this is NOT – I repeat for dramatic effect – not – the exact replica of our beloved tale of blood, passion, fangs, and fire.  Please don’t go into this film thinking it can in any way be compared to Coppola’s film from the 90s.  It just isn’t the same film, nor does it want to be. Which makes it all the better, if you ask me.  No, I’m not saying it’s better than Coppola’s film – there isn’t a point in saying that as Gary Oldman is not one to be contested.  But Argento knew this I am sure when he decided to direct this adaptation, which is perhaps why he made the conscious decision to veer off corpse…I mean…course…in the making of this film.  What I am trying to get across, dear readers, is that you simply cannot compare this film to the other because it is entirely different in many various respects.  The reason I feel this needs to be stressed is that when I read other reviews online of this film, they all call this movie ‘abysmal’ and terrible (Sometimes solely based off of the trailer…exqueeze me but since when can you really review a film based off it’s trailer? That’s simply absurd!)…and it was infuriating me because people were continually comparing this to Coppola’s film. It’s not the film, Gary Oldman’s not in it, so lay off already!  

        Anyway, I digress. What we do have that rings true to the original tale are the main characters. We have Count Dracula, obviously, portrayed excellently by Thomas Kretschmann. He was a gorgeous Count and his blue eyes glitter and glint amidst the brilliantly (as per usual) lit setting. We don’t see the Count age and turn young again, then age again as in Coppola’s film. Instead Dracula stays young throughout the film. We have Mina, portrayed by Marta Gastini – and let me just say that I was totally taken in by her performance. She had much more expression, vulnerability, and likeability over Winona Ryder (sorry Winona…I still loved you in Beetlejuice).  We have Jonathan, and Lucy, and Van Helsing, and Renfield. But we are also introduced to an entirely new cast of characters.  People like Zoran, Janek, Tanja, Jarmila, Prete, Delbruck, and more…they are new and delightful additions to the cast of characters, and help make this film entirely different from its predecessors.  To be truthful, the weakest link in the entire cast was Rutger Hauer as Van Helsing. He spoke…in pauses…even worse than…William Shatner.  My god man! Make a sentence or two flow – like blood – because the blood is the life! 

        As far as the setting, we have creepy castles, gorgeous fashions, plenty of horses and the like. The lighting, in true Argento fashion, was perfection. And the score (even though it ALSO was ripped apart by online critics) was simply marvelous.  I adored the sounds, quite truthfully, and thought them reminiscent of Christopher Lee style Dracula films.  But since I wasn’t going into the film expecting a fully orchestrated soundtrack by Wojciech Kilar, I was not let down in the least. In case I needed to mention that again.

        And let me talk for a second about how incredibly bad ass this Dracula was.  Wow.  Oldman was perfection, don’t get me wrong, but I really wanted Dracula to do more mind control and shape shifting in Coppola’s film – and we get that in this Argento adaptation.  Drac not only turns into a wolf – he also turns into a swarm of flies, a praying mantis, and a screech owl!  He uses mind control more than once, there’s even this amazing scene where he makes a man that betrayed him kill himself. We see him point the gun at his chin, and then we see the bullet travel through his mouth in slow motion, and then motion speeds up again as his head explodes from the bullet. That was, my fiends, simply awesome.  When Kretschmann has death scenes he takes people out with ruthless abandon and even grace. It is great to watch.  Further, he is the first Dracula I’ve heard seem to detest what he is. He states that blood is: “The only way I can still nourish this foul cadaver.”  I enjoy a somewhat broody and self-loathing Count in comparison to the dead-and-loving-it Counts of the past.  

       Now I’ll hook you all up with the stats:  Body count?  I was so thrilled, this movie came in with a whopping 21 deaths.  Some of them are people dying then getting staked, but I counted it because death scenes are death scenes.  Killers?  FIVE!  That’s also a really decent number compared to most horror I’ve reviewed lately.  Cheap thrills? None. Actual chills? Two.  Raven’s Scream Meter Says?  4 out of 5 Screams!  I’d of given it the five but Van Helsing is supposed to be a strong character and he really fell short in this in my opinion.  Definitely worth a watch if you love Dracula or Argento (or both!).  I’ll be watching again I’m sure.  Bravo Argento, it’s safe to say you still are quite the master of horror.  I hope you all found this review a bloody good time!  Thank you for reading, and as per usual feel free to comment below! 

The Eternal (1998)

“In the beginning of the world, the earth and the sky were one creature, and it was the hardest thing to tear them apart. They loved each other so much. And that's why it rains. Because the earth and the sky are always trying to get back together.”  Hey there fiends and welcome to Wicked Wednesday!  Tonight’s witchy flick was brought to the silver screen in 1998 by Michael Almereyda and is entitled The Eternal.  I actually didn’t expect too much from this flick when I flipped it on, and I was very pleasantly surprised by it.  I had no idea Christopher Walken would be in it, so you can imagine my surprise when his name flashed by in the opening credits. Score! As a rule of thumb, if he’s in a movie…I pretty much am guaranteed to enjoy it.  If you hate Walken (do people that hate Walken even exist? Inconceivable!) it’s ok…he doesn’t last long. *cackles*

So the movie begins with a very happy couple getting totally smashed on a roller coaster. When they head home, the woman (who we come to find out is Nora, portrayed by Alison Elliot) falls down a flight of stairs. We then cut to her doctor checking her out, and advising her not only to not travel, but to quit drinking. Nora, of corpse, ignores both of these warnings and immediately takes her family (husband and son, respectively) to Ireland to visit her aging grandmother.  They arrive after a few antics like a bar fight and a car crash at an huge crumbling mansion where Nora’s Uncle Bill (Walken) and her grandmother Mrs. Ferriter (portrayed by the loverly Lois Smith – aka Adele Stackhouse of True Blood).  Uncle Bill is acting strangely, and brings Nora to the basement to observe a 2,000 year old corpse of a Druid witch.  Nora and her family go to bed, and Uncle Bill succeeds in awakening the witch who immediately proceeds to slit his throat. From there, the movie seems to take a strange twist – the witch has taken on the persona of Nora (has literally become her twin) and apparently is attempting to take over Nora’s soul.  Some of the antics that ensue are downright campy, I would have liked to see the Druid witch use more elemental magic…they talk about it in the film but we really don’t get to see it at all.We find out that grammy is also a witch, but is losing her spellcraft ability in her old age and is unable to completely fight off this ‘powerful’ Druid (I use powerful in sarcastic quote marks because she really doesn’t do much to display her power besides being seemingly completely impervious to bullets, fire, electrocution, and a variety of other attempts to kill her).  The battle for Nora’s soul wages until Nora makes the ultimate sacrifice – slitting her own throat to protect her only son.

So lets talk about the acting. Obviously the two seasoned actors (Walken and Smith) were just wonderful in this. The rest of the acting was, I hate to say, mediocre at best – but there was something so endearing about listening to the Irish accents that I pretty much didn’t care. The cinematography was pretty fantastic, no complaints there. There was some pretty great lighting and the rambling mansion and Irish coast seemed to have the perfect ambiance for this story’s setting.  The soundtrack was also well done, and though I didn’t immediately recognize most of the artists that were compiled within it, it still sounded fresh.  The gore, though, I must say was a let down. Walken’s death was decently done, but aside from that there really wasn’t any gore at all. The final slit throat scene was so badly done I winced…but the meaning behind it actually brought me to tears, so something definitely worked there. The idea behind sacrificing yourself for another, and getting your life back as a reward…that to me is a pretty amazing concept, regardless of any camp.  I will say that if you’re looking for a frightening flick filled with gore, this is definitely not the movie for you.

And here come the statistics!  Body count?  Four. For a movie that doesn’t boast very many characters, that’s kind of a large number. Number of killers? Two. Boob count? Zero. Cheap thrills? Zero. Actual chills? Zero.  This film actually turned out to be more moving than scary, but I can’t say I hated it because of that!  Raven’s Scream Meter says: 3.5 out of 5 Screams!  Definitely worth a watch if you are into a little less blood and a little more emotion.  Thank you for reading my review, and as per usual feel free to comment below!

A Nightmare on Elm Street (1984)

Good evening, and welcome to Teen Scream Tuesday!  It’s been a sad week in the horror world, and I write this review with a mixture of both a heavy heart and overwhelming gratitude in dedication to our fallen soldier Wes Craven.  A true master of horror, Wes has hands-down directed some of the absolute best teen screams.  From Swamp Thing to Scream, Wes has revolutionized horror again and again. But this week, for our Teen Scream Tuesday, I’m reviewing probably his most well-known and well-loved film: A Nightmare on Elm Street (1984).  A truly horrific concept – perhaps one of the most horrific concepts of all – brought to life by Craven and our much loved and much appreciated Robert Englund as Freddy.

And that’s where we will start this review – the concept. Craven alludes to some of his inspiration for this concept throughout the film.  He references a real rash of deaths that seemingly all were caused by nightmares (well, the doctor performing Nancy’s dream therapy references them), that you can actually read about here:  http://www.nytimes.com/1981/05/10/us/nightmares-suspected-in-bed-deaths-of-18-laotians.html.  He also references that certain peoples are known to be dream warriors/weavers: they have the innate ability to lucid dream enough to turn their nightmares into something far better – for example if they are falling, they fall into something amazing that grants them wondrous opportunities. The concept of a killer that can control your dreams and kill you in your sleep is downright terrifying – even more so than any other slasher film concept, if you ask me. A concept that is simply brilliant and intriguingly haunting.

Let’s talk about the gore for a second. For a film that graced the silver screen one year after your reviewer was born, this film has some wicked gore.  There are some campy spots (when Kruger’s arms stretch like Stretch Armstrong, for example), overall I would have to say that the effects were top-notch. Freddy’s burned/scarred face, Tina getting slashed as she is mysteriously dragged up the wall of her parent’s room, and the gallons of blood required to create Glen’s death scene are all so well-done and serve up enough of the red stuff to make any horror fiend satiated. But the gore isn’t even responsible for all of the goosebumps one gets watching this film. When we see that first shot of Nancy in bed and her ceiling begins to bow and shows Kruger’s face and hands coming through the suddenly pliable plaster – now that is just brilliant filmmaking right there, fiends. Further, the nursery rhyme…”One, two, Freddy’s coming for you…” We all know it. We all love it. And this movie would totally be missing some of its sinister feel without that rhyme. To take a child’s nursery rhyme and turn it into a warning speaks directly to our subconscious, and makes us wonder if we shouldn’t stay awake a little longer…

Last but not least, concerning what gives me the shivers in this flick, is my absolute favorite scene next to Tina’s death scene – the bathtub montage. When Nancy falls asleep in the tub, and her legs are apart and you see the infamous glove come up from between her legs, you can’t not get a little spooked out!  If you haven’t given this film a chance, you should, if only for this awesome sequence.

The cinematography is top-notch, obviously. No shaky camera, great shots of fog and smoke and fire and fiends. The acting is also first rate, we all obviously love Robert Englund but Johnny Depp couldn’t have landed a better role for his first feature film.  Heather Langenkamp is both memorable and inspiring as Nancy, and everyone else plays their roles convincingly and admirably. There wasn’t a weak link here.  As far as the music, it was perfect as well. The original Nightmare score was written by Charles Bernstein and still holds up as one of the more recognizable and well-written horror scores out there.  I’d have to say that this cast and crew outdid themselves in bringing Craven’s nightmares to life for us. Bravo!

You know a horror film is good when people recognize it simply by the first name of the antagonist. People can say “Freddy” in almost any household in America (and in many other parts of the world, even) and others know exactly to whom and what movie they are referencing.  He is an iconic boogeyman, standing shoulder to shoulder with fiends like Dracula and Frankenstein (though to be fair, Frankenstein was the doctor, not the monster even though when we say that name most people call up the imagery of the monster).  Needless to say, Freddy is legit as fuck.

So here comes what you all want to know – how does your reviewer rate this film?  Where are the beloved stats already?? Here we go:  Body count?  Four. Not many deaths here (and we aren’t even sure if they were real by the end) but they were well done so that counts for something. How many killers? One. Boob count? Two. Cheap thrills? One. Actual chills? Three. Raven’s Scream Meter Says? Five out of Five Screams. Anyone into horror should be able to appreciate this 80s masterpiece by Craven, as it isn’t nearly as campy as most of the 80s horror I’ve seen and actually has some wicked acting involved as well as decent gore. A must-have for your collection, and a classic that will always grace my thoughts as one of the more memorable concepts in the horror genre. RIP Mr. Craven. Thank you for the Nightmares.

As a bonus for reading tonight, I’ve included a link to the actual script for your viewing pleasure, which can be found here: http://www.dailyscript.com/scripts/nightmare-on-elm-street.html

As usual, please feel free to comment below, and thanks for reading!