Hansel and Gretel are of course
brother and sister, and Gretel has a passion for the purple sticky punch. Her boyfriend scores a bag of bud called “Black Forest” and mentions it’s grown by a ‘sweet little
old lady’ in her basement. The two of
them enjoy a toke and then get the munchies, but while Gretel is making up some
cookies her boyfriend decides to go get some more weed. He goes to the sweet old lady’s house, and
she complies, but when he asks to eat her gingerbread house she firmly tells
him to keep his paws off it. As soon as
she leaves the room he takes the opportunity to take quite a large chunk off of
the house, and notices that there are a ton of ID cards and passports shoved
inside it. He immediately becomes woozy,
and wakes up tied to a table getting a buttery spread applied to his
torso.
The old woman claims to have the
munchies, and proceeds to chop off this kid’s limbs and cook them and eat them
right in front of him (only she removed one of his eyes and ate it raw because
he said he didn’t want to watch). This
excellently wicked beginning actually surprised me due to this being a
rendition of a children’s classic that, based on the title, should be slightly
humorous. Only there isn’t much humorous
about getting flayed and chopped up slowly, and eaten by a wicked witch – or is
there?
The show
goes on, and Gretel begins the search for her boyfriend. She knows the old woman is fishy, but no one
is taking her seriously until another girl’s boyfriend goes missing. The two of them head to the old woman’s house
(who by now is a not-so-old woman), and attempt to break and enter. From here, everything unravels and the witch can’t
seem to catch a break with all the people that show up at her door. With zombies, cats, an awesome Doberman,
fire, and plenty of gore – this movie is full of fun surprises and brings a new
(somewhat eccentric) twist to an old favorite.
The final scene is of corpse one we would expect of the classic fairy
tale, the witch gets tossed into her own oven and burns alive.
The
soundtrack is probably the biggest downfall of this film, as the music is
mostly cheesy and if it wasn’t unbearably cheesy it was unmemorable. The cinematography was decent, and the makeup
effects were done well. Although this is
not an intellectual teaser in any way, it definitely is a fun and witchy romp
which is something I always enjoy. Plus,
the death count alone is enough to make a horror fan feel all tingly
inside. So here come the stats: Body count? Ten. Number of killers? Two (or three if you count both Hansel and
Gretel as killers). Boob count? None, though sex is brought up in the film –
but mostly as a subject of cruelty or as a joke. Cheap thrills? None.
Actual thrills? At least one,
maybe two. Raven’s Scream Meter
says? 3 out of 5 screams. Definitely decent for a young adult film and
was clever enough to make me laugh a few times.
All in all, I think the moral of the story is – when a sweet lady
selling you pot tells you to keep your hands off her gingerbread house, you
don’t destroy your connection by opposing her will after she has already puffed
you down. Because not only will you lose
that connection…she might also eat you up and make you watch while she does
it.
No comments:
Post a Comment