Hansel and Gretel Get Baked (2013)

       Happy Friday fiends!  I’m pleased that I’ve been able to review these horror films this week for you, and hope you’ve been entertained thus far.  My final teen scream this week I chose because I figured it would be funny based on its title: Hansel and Gretel Get Baked.  Filmed in 2013 and directed by Duane Journey, this movie begins innocently enough in a small town that could literally be almost anywhere in America. 

Hansel and Gretel are of course brother and sister, and Gretel has a passion for the purple sticky punch.  Her boyfriend scores a bag of bud called “Black Forest” and mentions it’s grown by a ‘sweet little old lady’ in her basement.  The two of them enjoy a toke and then get the munchies, but while Gretel is making up some cookies her boyfriend decides to go get some more weed.  He goes to the sweet old lady’s house, and she complies, but when he asks to eat her gingerbread house she firmly tells him to keep his paws off it.  As soon as she leaves the room he takes the opportunity to take quite a large chunk off of the house, and notices that there are a ton of ID cards and passports shoved inside it.  He immediately becomes woozy, and wakes up tied to a table getting a buttery spread applied to his torso. 

The old woman claims to have the munchies, and proceeds to chop off this kid’s limbs and cook them and eat them right in front of him (only she removed one of his eyes and ate it raw because he said he didn’t want to watch).  This excellently wicked beginning actually surprised me due to this being a rendition of a children’s classic that, based on the title, should be slightly humorous.  Only there isn’t much humorous about getting flayed and chopped up slowly, and eaten by a wicked witch – or is there?

            The show goes on, and Gretel begins the search for her boyfriend.  She knows the old woman is fishy, but no one is taking her seriously until another girl’s boyfriend goes missing.  The two of them head to the old woman’s house (who by now is a not-so-old woman), and attempt to break and enter.  From here, everything unravels and the witch can’t seem to catch a break with all the people that show up at her door.  With zombies, cats, an awesome Doberman, fire, and plenty of gore – this movie is full of fun surprises and brings a new (somewhat eccentric) twist to an old favorite.  The final scene is of corpse one we would expect of the classic fairy tale, the witch gets tossed into her own oven and burns alive. 

            The soundtrack is probably the biggest downfall of this film, as the music is mostly cheesy and if it wasn’t unbearably cheesy it was unmemorable.  The cinematography was decent, and the makeup effects were done well.  Although this is not an intellectual teaser in any way, it definitely is a fun and witchy romp which is something I always enjoy.  Plus, the death count alone is enough to make a horror fan feel all tingly inside.  So here come the stats:  Body count? Ten.  Number of killers?  Two (or three if you count both Hansel and Gretel as killers).  Boob count?  None, though sex is brought up in the film – but mostly as a subject of cruelty or as a joke.  Cheap thrills?  None.  Actual thrills?  At least one, maybe two.  Raven’s Scream Meter says?  3 out of 5 screams.  Definitely decent for a young adult film and was clever enough to make me laugh a few times.  All in all, I think the moral of the story is – when a sweet lady selling you pot tells you to keep your hands off her gingerbread house, you don’t destroy your connection by opposing her will after she has already puffed you down.  Because not only will you lose that connection…she might also eat you up and make you watch while she does it. 

House at the End of the Street (2012)

        I chose House at the End of the Street because, and I’ll admit this isn’t the most wonderful reason to choose a movie but I won’t lie to my fiends, Netflix suggested I might like it.  But then again Netflix usually does have a good idea of what I like to watch. Anywho, I tuned in and was immediately sucked in by the casting of Elizabeth Shue and Jennifer Lawrence as mother-daughter.  I love both of them as actresses and it was great to see them on screen together.  As the film begins, we see that the two of them have just moved into a new home in the sticks (right near a state park) from Chicago.  Mrs. Cassidy makes mention that the only reason they can even afford to rent the home is because of the murders that occurred in the house at the end of the street, where a 13 year old girl with brain damage murdered both of her parents one night. 

            The neighbors concur with the story and wish that the last family member (a young boy named Ryan, portrayed by Max Thieriot) would move and that the house would be torn down.  Alyssa gets to know the kids in the neighborhood and finds that they aren’t really her crowd, but when she meets Ryan the two of them hit it off really well – and she even finds a band and a few kids from school to be friends with.  No one is very comfortable with Alyssa’s relationship with Ryan, her mother and friends all seem to react very negatively about him.  The only person that seems to give Ryan a break besides Alyssa is the sheriff of their town, who thinks Ryan is a good kid that fell on hard times.  The question of whether or not his sister Carrie-Anne still lives in the woods haunts the teens in the area, and probably a few of the adults - yet no one knows the haunting truth that she is alive and well in Ryan’s care. 

            Even with Mrs. Cassidy’s strict warning that her daughter and Ryan shouldn’t be alone together, Alyssa continues developing her relationship with Ryan behind her mothers back.  Their relationship grows more and more intimate, and culminates in Alyssa almost getting herself killed.  Ryan is pretty much a heart-throb and it’s really easy to not only like but also feel sorry for his character.  I’ll let you decide if that’s wise or not.  The cinematography and plot are both wonderful, I’d say my least favorite thing about the film was the music.  Jennifer Lawrence sings through a lot of the film and to be honest she sounds very Fiona/Joss Stone and it’s sort of boring.  But aside from that, which really has a small part in the film, I thoroughly enjoyed myself watching this one.  How many bite the dust?  Five or so during the course of the film, but how many the killer has actually killed is probably much more.  Number of killers?  One.  Boobs?  None.  Cheap Thrills?  None.  Actual creeps given?  A couple, actually.  Raven’s Scream Meter Says:  4 out of 5 screams.  Definitely worth a watch, if you don’t mind thrillers that are not particularly gory.  Can definitely be watched with or by teens. 

Hells Gate 11:11 (2004)

       Hello and welcome to Wednesday!  I trust you all have been staying spooky this week, and we’ve made it to yet another glorious ‘hump day.’  But it’s always spooky day for this girl.  Anyway, I was drawn to the next film of this week because of the title: Hells Gate: 11:11.  Created in 2004 by director Michael Bafaro, this film’s title recognizes the eleven-eleven phenomena that my friends and I have been pretty much obsessed with since we heard of it so many years ago (the number is supposed to be magical or supernatural in nature).  I always notice the clock when its 11:11, and sometimes (ok more often than not when I notice…) I make a wish.  Anyway, I digress. The film begins with a young girl facing her parents murders, and then watching as the men who murdered her mother and father are killed by thin air (though it has already been alluded to that the girl can see spirits).  As the movie progresses, we realize that the girl (Sarah) is seeing her dead mother in spirit form, and her mother is trying to warn her about the coming apocalypse.  I have to admit that they sort of lose me with the very idea of an apocalypse all fire and brimstone, but the ghost angle of the plot is definitely intriguing.  Sarah’s ESP also draws you in and makes you want to know what is going on. 

What is going on is that a very angry spirit has been hanging around Sarah in the guise of a friend, and killing everyone around her (or making them kill themselves).  Sarah strikes a deal with the spirit to avoid it killing off her lover, though the way the scene ends it is actually unclear as to whether or not he lives.  And to be honest, that was sort of how I felt about the entirety of this film – a little confused.  It seemed to have all the right elements to draw viewers in, only the plot itself doesn’t come full circle or even make sense.  The guise was that all this had to do with some portend of a new dawn of man or the end of the world – but in the end the girls go off together as children to play.  What that had to do with 11:11 or the apocalypse, I’m not sure. 

This is definitely a lower-budget film, or at least the cinematography and unknown cast makes it feel that way.  The soundtrack was not memorable either, so when one tops that off with a plot that doesn’t seem to have a complete thought one gets…this film.  Probably the worst aspect of the film was Laura Mennell’s acting.  Just because her character Sarah is troubled and has some wickedly strong ESP doesn’t mean she should constantly look like someone let loose a really rank fart all the time.  She was constantly looking furtive, worried, and disgusted, and the acting ruined the character for me completely.  But hey…my reviews can’t all be good, now can they?  Here are the stats:  Body count?  Seven or so.  Number of killers?  Three.  Boob count?  Zero.  Cheap thrills?  Two.  Actual spooks endured?  Zero.  Raven’s Scream Meter says: 1 out of 5 screams.  This isn’t one I’ll be adding to my collection any time soon, but if you can make some sense of it please feel free to explain it to me!  

April Fools Day (1986)

      The second teen scream I reviewed this week is Fred Walton’s April Fools Day (1986).  It begins with a group of young adults all meeting up to go to a mutual friends party (they meet up together because they have to take a ferry to the location of the party).  Only a few of them know each other, but they all know the hostess, who happens to be an extremely wealthy young woman.  As the group sits down to dinner, they all become part of each other’s April Fool’s jokes (whoopee cushions, chairs that have legs that collapse, etc).   The group finally seems to be bonding as a whole during this moment, which looked somewhat unlikely on the ferry.  A typical 80s mix of teenagers (cool ‘unconventional’ guy, cool jock guy, nerdy girl, pretty girl, and so on), almost like a horror version of The Breakfast Club - only without the detention, and minus a very well-known cast.  Anyway, the group hops on the ferry and begins their weekend of fun and partying – only to wind up immediately having a rather nasty accident where a fellow loses his eye completely because the boat basically ran him over.  They all arrive at the house intact, though a bit rattled from the bloody start to their weekend.    

            As the ladies and gentlemen get settled in for the night, they all find even more pranks have been set up around the house.  Exploding cigars, faucets that shoot water at the user, and more – but it’s all in good fun.  All in good fun, that is, until the next day when one of the girls sees the boy named Skip looking rather…dead…floating by on a boat.  As the group begins searching for Skip, they lose yet another member of their group, and decide its time to try to call the police.  As the party unravels, the hostess begins acting weirder and weirder…sort of spacey and awkward.  The plot thickens as more and more of the group disappear (or worse, show up bloody), but the best part of this film comes at the end during the big reveal. 

            This particular film doesn’t boast the most wonderful soundtrack, but it isn’t intolerable.  The cinematography is decent as well, but I wouldn’t call it the best shot film I’ve ever seen.  I did, however, dig the special effects makeup, a lot of it was done pretty decently for a film that is both comical as well as chilling.  I know the film has been remade (in the 2000s, century of the remake), and I own both, but I would have to say that while the newer one is more ‘believable’ plot-wise – it just doesn’t have the inherent charm of this version.  Body count?  Around six.  Killers?  I’ll never tell.  Boob count?  Zero, this is definitely more family-friendly but moms be advised that there are a couple of sex scenes (they just don’t show anything besides legs and arms).  Cheap thrills?  One or two.  Actual scares?  Zero…but it’s all in good fun.  There’s still plenty of blood.  Raven’s Scream Meter says: 2.5 out of 5 screams.  Not my favorite movie of all time, but it does grace the shelves of my horror collection. 

Scream (1996)

       Hello again fiends!  Welcome (a bit belated) to 2014.  I’ve decided to start up the horror blog again, and I’m going to try to keep up with it a bit better than I have in the past.  More horror, more often.  Doesn’t that sound like a scream?  Speaking of Scream, Wes Craven’s (1996) feature film by that title is the first of this weeks’ reviews.  I know it’s not the newest movie on the block, but in my humble opinion it was one of the better horror films that came out during the 90s.  When it débuted, this film was fresh, exciting, and unpredictable – and it still holds up as one of my favorites to watch.

      For starters, Scream has one of the absolute best opening scenes I’ve ever scene (pun intended), from the sound of a telephone ringing co-mingled with a fever-pitched scream, right to the final shot of Casey Becker hanging from the tree in her front yard – viscera completely on display.  The opening scene also boasts something I’ve had nightmares about myself – when Ghostface makes his first appearance and has already killed one teen (and is working on the second), Casey’s parents pull in.  As they make their way toward the front door, Casey can see them and is running toward them attempting to yell for help – only she can’t get the scream out.  It is a chilling sequence that I still cannot tear my eyes away from, even after watching it over a dozen times.    

       After this brutal beginning, viewers become familiar with Sydney Prescott and her friends.  We discover that Sydney’s mother was savagely raped and murdered just a year before the murders of Casey Becker and Steve Orth, and Woodsboro is completely on edge when faced with this new rash of horrific murders.  Upon your original watch of the film, I’d be surprised if you (horror aficionado I know you are) are able to guess who Ghostface is.  I remember when I was a Scream virgin, and I had so many opinions as to who the killer was – Billy, Dewey, Sydney’s father (Mr. Prescott), Randy, the Sherrif, and the principal – to name a few of the ideas I had.  Personally, I love it when a film or novel stumps me concerning whodunnit, and Scream does a great job of alluding to the fact that it could be one of several people within the film’s cast.

       The rest of the film boasts a wicked soundtrack (Nick Cave and the Bad Seeds, anyone?), great cinematography, and a splash of humor and intelligence not typical of the genre.  The plot is mostly an homage to horror films that came before Scream’s time, but Craven made the genre fresh and exciting for the new millennium.  The cast was also fresh and exciting, boasting now-seasoned actors such as Neve Campbell and Matthew Lillard (who makes one of the best jokes in the film – “Better LIVER alone!” – cracks me up).  I would go more into detail about the plot and who Ghostface is, but if you haven’t seen this film I truly don’t want to spoil it for you.  Just know that it is a classic teen scream that very likely will become a favorite part of your horror collection.

            Due to the nature of this film, I’m only going to provide you with Raven’s Scream Meter this time around (no boobs, unknown killer, etc) as a courtesy because I’m sure you all know by the end of this review what my feelings about the film are.  So, Raven’s Scream Meter Says:  5 out of 5 screams.  This is one that can be watched alone or with the family (teens and up, of corpse).